At Sea

This last year has been a rough one. The end of December also marks the end of a full year of dealing with an intense depression that has whittled many aspects of my life and personality into dust. But 2013 has also marked some growth as well: I got a new job, then left that job when I realized I needed to do what was best for me and not other people; I found another new job that I will be starting soon, pending my background check; my health, though it took many turns for the worse, finally got me to sit up and realize that visiting the doctor was not a sign of weakness but of responsibility; and I began many steps towards a recovery of my mental state, both with therapy and starting medication.

Yesterday was the roughest day I’ve had in awhile. As midnight and the new year approached, I found myself wondering more and more if this was a way for 2013 to give me a summation of the trials it put me through over the last twelve months. I know many folks regard today, January 1, as just another day on the calendar, but the appeal of a fresh start, of a blank canvas of 365 days to fill with adventure and pleasure and recovery cannot be dismissed.

As I got home yesterday after a long day that included waking up at 5:30am to The Boyfriend in pain with an ear infection, driving him to urgent care at 8am, then taking him to get his antibiotics before he went to work, and capping off that morning with a six hour escapade to get the documents for my new job printed, signed, scanned, and emailed over to the recruiter, I almost just went to bed and said “Fuck it” to ringing in the new year at midnight. But I was staunchly opposed to avoiding it. New Year’s has always been appealing to me, like the first page of a new notebook or journal, unblemished and clean. Each year, as December 31 comes ’round, I find anticipation growing in my middle, the giddiness that comes with it rising. It is an important day, at least in my life.

2013 was rough and tumultuous, like a storm at sea that I had to weather to make port; 2014 might not be much better. But I can finally start to see land on the horizon, and I am determined to weigh my anchors and set my course for that promising destination and the adventures that await me there.

Happy New Year, all.

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