Reflection

Paganism first hit my radar when I was in high school. A friend of mine from a roleplay forum mentioned Wicca to me and we talked about it. Christianity had never sat well with me, mostly due to a few interactions I had with others my age that scared me. So when the idea of nature worship, goddess spirituality, and magic came to my attention, I took notice.

Wicca ended up being not for me, at least not the forms I saw. Though I explored the idea of dual deities and the importance of the four classical elements, they held no appeal to me. So I continued to explore my options. Kemeticism came to my attention and I quickly discarded it when I was younger, again due to how others displayed their beliefs and their actions. I explored the systems of Druidry and Heathenry and found both unfulfilling. So I turned to doing my own thing, a nondenominational thing. And that is where I was when I started this blog back in January, though the first thoughts of Kemeticism had begun to sink in as I found people who taught me more about the path and what it was, rather than what others had portrayed it to be.

But when I invited Kemeticism into my life and began to try it on over my life, it was not the comfortable blanket I had once thought it to be. It itched and hid me from other things that I had committed to. So I shed it and stepped away, but the things that I had once connected with were no longer with me, either.

My gods are still there but the practice I once held has dwindled. I get flashes of new ideas, new altars, new practices. The Stag Queen offers me visions, typically as I drive around for work. I shrug them off and tell her “Later, when I won’t die” but they don’t return until the next day, when I am behind the wheel again, driving past the river on my way to my next clients. Persephone reminds me of my purpose to myself, to care for my health and put myself first. “Fuck the job,” she mutters to me. “Take care of yourself.”

I can see where I have been when I look back. I can see where I am right now, lost though I am, once more, in the Forest.

As I look forward on this path of mine, I have no idea where it will lead. In all honesty, I don’t know if it will eventually lead anywhere.

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