For years, I have searched for the Path that suits me best. None have come. As I wander The Forest, I have my own new Path, one that I am slowly forging and clearly, overgrown with vines and ivy and underbrush, broken up by gnarled roots. And as much as I love this Path as I clear it by the light of my lantern, I still feel…slightly empty.
I hate being “eclectic.”
Even the word shrivels on my tongue and dies, a nasty taste of foulness that doesn’t leave for days. I call myself “nondenominational” but even that doesn’t really work for me.
What am I?
Lately I have befriended many Kemetic reconstructionists and revivalists through tumblr, before I stepped away from that site. This was primarily through my relationship with Anubis, as I discussed him and found myself lurking Kemetic blogs. Today, I decided to read through Black Fur, Black Wing on a whim and as I sit here reading through her archives, I feel…jealous. Jealous of her and the other Recons and revivalists who have a set faith and practice that still allows for personal experiences.
These past few years, I have declined the identity of Kemeticism. Though I work with Anubis and he is my Patron, I have not felt any connection to the other Kemetic gods.
No…that’s not true.
I have. But I haven’t pursued them. I’ve worked with many gods over the years, ones that have come into my life and that I wish to honor, but the more I read about Kemeticism through these new friends of mine, the more I wonder if I made a mistake. Perhaps I should have pursued this very old spiritual lust for Egypt that I’ve had since I was a child.
And yet I feel like I’d be cheating on my other gods, the gods of the European pantheons that I have worked with and honored for the past couple of years, who have helped me in ways that I feel obliged to give them faith and belief and offerings. Though obliged is the wrong word, it is the one that best suits it. I am honored to work with them and pleased to have this connection to them.
I feel lost again. Perhaps this is what I am finally ready for, what Madeliene tried to tell me to wait for two years ago.