After everything with Anubis, Monday night really threw me for a loop. It was late and I was wide awake. I’d written an email to Satsekhem and decided to read some of her blog before going to sleep, hoping to make a dent in her archive. It’s a long one, so I had some work to do.
I got about three posts.
It’s nothing against Satsekhem. In truth, I love her writing. It’s actually, probably, technically her own fault.
I had just gotten to her post Kemetism is Orthopraxic: Live in Ma’at and had started reading her opening paragraph. She mentions some fellow bloggers and Kemetics who have some expertise when it comes to the Egyptian pantheon. The one that caught my attention, obviously, is Bezen, the individual who runs Per-Sabu: House of Jackals.
Color me intrigued.
So I left Satsekhem’s blog behind, fulling intending to go back to it later that night.
This did not happen.
Instead, I spent much of the next hour or two pouring over the resources at Per-Sabu. From what I’ve seen, it a very well researched and very good resource on jackal deities, like Anubis. For someone like me, it was like finding the Holy Grail or the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, especially after all the nonsense I’d been going through with Anubis over the past year and a half. And the more I read it, the more I realized…
Anubis has been fucking with me since I was ten years old.
I won’t get into too much detail because this is for him and I to hash out, but the thing that threw me over the edge, in the end, is probably the simplest tidbit of what I discovered that night about my god. And to be honest, you’ll probably be demanding to know why I made you wait nearly a week for this revelation.
Regardless, I’ll let you in on the secret.
In the “Aspects and Roles” section of Anubis, Bezen details the different functions that are attributed to Anubis or how he functions in the Egyptian pantheon. Near the end of the page is a fascinating section on Anubis’s role as a liminal god, something I had known before but never really thought about. I began reading the passage and came across this:
Black represents the potential for rebirth, but also risk. Fertile soil is black, but then again so are shadows. Anubis can not only renew life, but he can also conceal corruption. Another thing which should be considered is the fact that his domain sits between the cultivated black lands of the Nile Valley and the harsh red sands of the desert. (And again, everything which they themselves represent.) Indeed his gate, known as Ro-setawe, is decorated with black and red. But it doesn’t even end there because both him and it are also associated with the horizon and twilight. This is why when the topic of his parentage within the context of Osirian mythology comes up, I often say that he could very rightfully be considered the ‘son’ of all involved. Not just existing between the fertile soil (Osiris) and the red deserts (Seth), he is also situated between that which exists above the earth and is seen (Isis) and that which is below the earth and unseen (Nebt-het.) Many of these relationships and connections can be taken yet further, such as if one considers the way Anubis exists at the point between the one who was sundered (Osiris) and the one who did the sundering (Seth), while he himself is capable of both rejoining flesh and rending it.
Now for the “revelation” part: my entire wardrobe is black and red, barring blue jeans. (And, admittedly a few t-shirts and blouses purchased for different reasons, but my everyday clothing is black and red of some variety.)
Yes, that’s what threw me over the edge. You may think it’s simple and you may even scoff, but let me explain.
When I was a kid, my wardrobe was much more colorful. I wore everything from red to pink to neon teal. But this began to change around middle school and, now that I think about it, it probably began to change around the same time I first encountered Anubis. As I grew up, I attended university and began wearing a lot of clothing depicting the school’s colors and logo, as college students are wont to do. Mostly this was because my school gave out a lot of free t-shirts that I collected over my years there. Later on, when I was first introduced to hockey, I began purchasing t-shirts and jerseys for my team, the Chicago Blackhawks. Whose colors are also black and red.
I’ve been wearing black and red almost as a uniform for nearly ten years.
Reading this, you may not be entirely convinced of why this was a huge revelation. And, to be honest, that’s okay. As I’ve said before, this is a spiritual diary. But here’s the thing:
I’m a pretty big believer in the gods and I think that they give us nudges, of a sort, in our everyday lives. For me, the fact that my everyday wardrobe is of the colors that represent my god means that I represent him everyday, but no one else has to notice. It’s a secret, almost, a devotion I can do that’s more or less between him and me. I was upset at first because it felt like he had tricked me, but mostly I was upset because I hadn’t made the connection sooner. I felt the same way when I had the realization about my moon necklace.
It’s just comforting to know that even when he isn’t there, he’s still, well…there, even if it’s just as simple as me tugging on an old college t-shirt.